April 29, 2016
Every person wants to feel like they have a purpose. They are meant to live for something. They want they do matters. Guess what? You have a purpose. I have a purpose.
I often feel like God won’t forgive me. That’s I’ll be so stubborn that there won’t be any turning around for me. I KNOW God forgives and has His arms outstretched towards me to repent and turn. BUT I act like He doesn’t. This disconnect of knowing something and acting on it is hard. Its something I struggle with in many aspects of my life.
Im trying to find my identity. And to end the bad habits of beating myself up for not getting it right the 5 hundredth time or feeling inadequate, etc whatever else makes me feel worthless. The past Sunday I spent a miserable 24 hours. I bickered with Alex, I cried myself sick, and I felt worthless. I ruined my whole day, his day, and finally ended the day alone and numb.
But that awful day sparked something. For the first time, I have been able to look at a situation and think, no I am not going to fly off the handle upset. I have thought through what I was saying, who I told, etc for many situations in the last week. I have chosen to push aside the weak feelings and emotional urge to cry. I’m not perfect. But I finally feel released. That I can shake things off. I can take a bad day and leave it in the past. I can frustrate Alex and say I’m sorry and move on. I can disappoint others and myself and say tomorrow’s a new day, lets do this better.
Now I have expectations and I do feel hurt. Every day. But there’s something different. honestly. I feel more clear-headed. There isn’t so much muddling around. God seems to be saying yes, who do you think I am? Because once you know that. Then you’ll know who YOU are Caity.
I am an intelligent beautiful person who loves deeply. Yes I want to make everyone happy. I love being around Alex and my friends and enjoying the moment. These are good wholesome things. I don’t have to save the world, I need to live my life and live it to the fullest. I don’t have all the answers but I can re-cultivate a love of finding answers. I’m not perfect, but I can listen and learn to do better. I’m not big but I have the tools I need to discover how to become stronger and faster.
I have a good life. All the ups and downs and hardships suck but there is always light.